Guilt.

I feel really guilty. Mostly because I’m becoming the exact person I don’t want to be. The person who says, ”I’m too busy right now,” and makes excuses in order to be excused from doing something I want to.

The fact is that I am actually very busy. School (aka work) is exhausting and I usually have 5 classes a day. I rarely have a moment to sit down, and when I do, all I want to do is relax and catch up on the news in America. I feel so behind by living here sometimes. Although, with all the recent net neutrality and school shooting issues, it’s kind of nice not to hear about it every second of the day.

I also started my first ever graduate school class! Hooray! It’s online and that means most of the work is reading and discussions, and soon I have my first paper due. I have to get it done by the early deadline, which is next Monday, and I know I won’t be able to work on it until Saturday and Sunday night. The class is really interesting, so that’s good. I am learning a ton about education, but I already feel like a sleep-deprived grad student. (Though my sleep deprivation comes from watching OITNB and Korean dramas, and most recently, the new Persona Q game.)

I had (well, it’s still there but my doubts are creeping in that I won’t finish) a goal to read 50 books this year. I have read about 16 so far, and Goodreads tells me that I’m 6 books behind schedule.

I think this is the driving force behind my guilt. All the other things that I am slowly catching up on don’t make me feel so bad. I can finish watching a TV show anytime. I can play a game anytime. The things that can’t wait are going home and either working out or going to kyudo. It keeps me sane to have exercise in my life, and I feel a thousand times healthier than I did a month ago.

But books? Books are my life, or so I proclaim. And yet, my friend informed me that she’s read almost all three of Shige’s novels. This shocked me and aggravated my competitive side. She’s not even that big of a NEWS fan, so I felt like an idiot for not being able to discuss them with her. I do own all of them, and I’ve started Pink and Grey multiple times. But I have a problem with reading.

You see, I just get really excited about reading something, and then when I start, I remember something else I want to read as well. I am currently reading about 10 books because I can’t just sit down and finish one. I skip around too much. My friend told me to just prioritize ONE and then finish it. Which is what I should do, but it’s easier said than done. I have to read for school and then once I finish my textbook chapters, all I want to do is laze around.

I have to remember that I am still getting used to a new routine. I just started practicing kyudo and doing blogilates and whatnot, so my body needs time to adjust to the routine. But I do need to focus on reading one book a week, and maybe make short term goals instead of a long term one. 50 books a year sounds more daunting than a book a week, but I haven’t been keeping up with either. I need to stop overwhelming myself and just tell myself to read for an hour a day or so, which is what a friend of mine does.

I also have to study for the JLPT in December. I want to pass N1 and get it over with. This will be my second time taking it, but it was about 2 years ago. Looking through the books I bought to study with, I feel a lot more confident with the material, and I have a lot of time to prepare. Hopefully I can go in and kick its butt instead of having it kick mine.

My kyudo instructor told us that once we join after June 22nd, we will be full fledged members who will be eligible for tests and tournaments. Our first test will be in October. I think that will be enough time for me to hone my skills and feel a bit better about hassetsu. I want to aim for shodan, but I am probably just going to tell them to place me at whatever rank they think I am.

I am starting to plan my summer vacation, and it looks like I will be going to South Korea and I might even go to Tokyo Game Show. I want to try to hit Osaka during our three day weekend in July, but that might depend on my financial situation.

This weekend I plan on relaxing as much as I can between meeting friends and writing my paper. I also have a party with some of my friends for NEWS’ new single release! They released the theme song for the Brazil World Cup, and I am really excited because it’s been a while since I’ve seen them on covers of magazines on CD stands.

Unfortunately, we recently found out that the international CD sales from Japan to foreign countries on sites such as CD Japan and YesAsia don’t count towards the sales records on the Oricon Charts. I’m really upset, but really it should be Japan who is the most angry. International fans can’t buy their Johnny’s music any other way than purchasing hard copies, and most buy them in order to contribute to sales so that their favorite groups get a higher ranking. Now, with this announcement, international fans will stop buying hard copies and will rely on downloads and file sharing. When their main motivation to buy CDs is taken away, how does Japan think they will keep going the expensive route for no reason? Japan, you are already in an economic crash. Don’t be dumb.

On that note, have a good weekend!

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8 thoughts to “Guilt.”

  1. I don’t want to discourage you, but when I was working on my masters degree and working full time, I was not able to do any leisure reading at all- for several years.
    I’ve realized that trying to fulfill too many goals at once was just a source of stress for me because I couldn’t actually do it. I hope you figure out a balance that is good for you!

    1. Yeah, I think most of it is because I procrastinate and spend too much time telling myself that I need a rest. I get lazy and spend a lot of time thinking about things rather than doing them. I found time to pleasure read all throughout college, but when I was at home before JET, I was always thinking about doing things rather than doing them, so even without a job or school to distract me, I didn’t read much. It’s all about mind over matter haha. Thanks for the input!

  2. I don’t want to discourage you, but when I was working on my masters degree and working full time, I was not able to do any leisure reading at all- for several years.
    I’ve realized that trying to fulfill too many goals at once was just a source of stress for me because I couldn’t actually do it. I hope you figure out a balance that is good for you!

    1. Yeah, I think most of it is because I procrastinate and spend too much time telling myself that I need a rest. I get lazy and spend a lot of time thinking about things rather than doing them. I found time to pleasure read all throughout college, but when I was at home before JET, I was always thinking about doing things rather than doing them, so even without a job or school to distract me, I didn’t read much. It’s all about mind over matter haha. Thanks for the input!

  3. I remember moving to Japan. My brain was in overload that I didn’t do much reading for 6 months or so. Give it time.
    I wonder at what point guilt moves from being a motivator to being a hindrance. It is an intriguing question.

  4. I remember moving to Japan. My brain was in overload that I didn’t do much reading for 6 months or so. Give it time.
    I wonder at what point guilt moves from being a motivator to being a hindrance. It is an intriguing question.

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